Well, I didn't expect to post this around the same time I was rewarded Expressionist of The Year but I think that makes this more honest. This was originally going to be a review of RENT on Fox but it grew to be more than that. Because of this number....
I've mentioned before that RENT is one of my favorite musicals and that is my favorite song from the musical because there was a time, (two actually) in my life when I found asking that question. I know that most of you know me for my love of Disney and ponies but I don't know think that suicide survivor is the right term because that refers to the loved ones that lost someone. Yeah, there were two times in my life when things got so bad that I wanted to end it all. The first time was during high school and because of my seizures and I was having upwards of 30+ seizures a day and my school told me that they wouldn't let attend if I was not in a wheelchair and that is where this song comes in. I'm gonna quote the lyrics here.
Will I lose my dignity?
Will someone care?
Will I wake from this nightmare?
Now, the second question I did know the answer to but I did feel as though my dignity had been stripped away from me and I felt less. Not just as a person or a man but overall, I just felt less and I felt as though the nightmare would never end. I know it's petty and maybe even a little selfish to have those thoughts because there are people that deal with things worse than what I went through on a daily basis but yeah, I almost let the nightmare win. But I just found strength in musicals and characters that made me stronger such as Elphaba,
Yeah, that's something that might help you to understand a bit about me. One of the biggest things I've often struggled with my self-confidence and the feeling that I'm not good enough. I often wish I could be as strong as someone like Elphie and own who she is but I often find myself relating to characters in musicals that think they aren't good enough such as Seymour in Little Shop of Horrors, Aladdin (mainly because of Proud of Your Boy) or Evan Hansen. I want to hone in on that last one for a moment, Dear Evan Hansen is a musical that came out long after both my attempts at ending it all but it is a musical that I wish that had been around when I was in high school because I was Evan Hansen. Evan is a young man that struggles with social anxiety and the fear that no-one truly loves him and that he's not enough. I remember watching the performance of Waving Through a Window, the year that Evan Hansen took home the Tony for Best New Musical and just crying because it took me back to those moments especially my high school days.
I was watching this with intensity and crying because as that number went on, I related almost too much to Evan and even more when I learned what the musical was about. If you noticed the cast on Evan's arm, that is because like me, Evan also attempted to end it all and in his case it was because it felt invisible. Learning the truth was hard but also why I became such a fan of Dear Evan Hansen because of it's message that no-one is alone (Yeah, okay Into The Woods also has that message but it's really at the core of what Evan Hansen is about) I had this personal saying that combines two of my favorite musical characters.
I wish I could be Elphaba but I know I'm Evan Hansen
Let me explain this saying, Elphaba is to me one of the strongest characters in any musical that even with everything that she goes through, she becomes resilient and owns who she is. Evan Hansen is a character that is scared, nervous and does not think he is that strong. That is how I viewed myself for the longest time but because of loved ones and friends like you guys have become stronger and will always be strong. Let's go back to that song from RENT and answer those questions.
I did not lose my dignity
Someone did care
I did wake from that nightmare
Now, I did mention that were two times but I'm gonna save the other time for another post as it'll be brought up if I ever decide to look at cyber-bullying again. I'm gonna end this with the powerful song from Dear Evan Hansen and if you need to reach out and grab my hand, just listen to this song.
