Here We Come a Carolling: Here's Love (Secret Santa for Les)

Miracle on 34th Street is often cited as one of the greatest Christmas movies ever made.  If nothing else, it has the best Santa Claus. 

Last year, when I introduced Here We Come a Carolling, I opened with a look at Christmas songs from musicals that weren't exactly about Christmas. However Les inspired me as he mentioned that the song, It's Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas came from the musical, Here's Love.  Well, I decided to check this out for myself and found that this show was an adaption of a Christmas great.


Therefore,  I figured I would tap into a well that we are both fans of, musical theater.  I knew that this would be the most fun for me to do.  I'll admit that I opened did this on the Superman ABC musical but I couldn't get through ten minutes of that.  And this has more of the holiday spirit anyways.  With that outta the way, let's begin. 


Here's a playlist of the songs as they're easier to find that way. With that outta the way, let's get started. 



The Big Clown Balloons


This opening number is a bit simple but it sets up the parade rather well and also does a great job of tying into the film's intro and the warm feeling that comes when watching this movie.


Arm in Arm

This is a cute number that expresses the love that Doris and Susan have for one another.  Now, from what I've read one change that was made regarding this adaption is that it was moved from the '40s to '60s.  Which while single parenting is even more common now than it was during that era, I think the forties setting made it stand out a bit more.  I think it's one of those things where a movie that came out in the past retroactively becomes a period piece.  Still,  cute and very endearing to the audience. 


You Don't Know 


This number is such a heartbreaking piece from Doris.  Sadly, the synopsis for this isn't that great but I imagine this being sung to Susan about how hard the real world can be and how it'll break your heart sometimes.


The Bugle


This is perhaps one of my favorite songs from this show.  It encapsulates what I think is one of the most important of Miracle.  

Kris showing that he can under this little Dutch girl by singing a song with her in her language speaks to the magic that is found in this season and the goodness of people like Kris that want to help others.  And this song captures that,  in both versions,  Kris wants to make sure every child has a wonderful Christmas no matter the barrier and well if that isn't tear-inducing, I don't know what is. 



Here's Love


The title song is just okay.  It sounds more like a jingle than an actual song and perhaps that is what they were going for but it doesn't completely work for me.  Something about it just falls flat about it.  It's not bad as there isn't a bad song in the bunch (of those that were on YouTube.)  But it's there and that's all I can say about it.


My Wish


Mr. Gailey suffers the most in this adaption. This song with Susan is nice and sentimental and feels li the most like who Gailey was in the movie. Because sure, he was a bit brash and different from Doris but just as much as Kris, he helped the Walkers to believe.  The Gailey in this musical doesn't come off that way.  We will discuss that with his next set of songs but something about them just hasn't aged well. 


Pine Cones and Holly Berries 


This is another sweet song that includes traces of an iconic Christmas song (oddly the OBC version of that song is not YouTube).  This is perhaps the first Christmassy song of the bunch but it works really well as it's just so warm and comforting like any good Christmas song should be.


Look Little Girl/Look Little Girl (Reprise)


Like I was saying, Gailey suffered a lot in this adaption.  I get that this debuted in a different time but frankly, Gailey, as presented in the musical, comes off a bit gross.  I wouldn't go so far as to say sexist but I dunno,  it feels like the original Gailey had more respect for women than what I've heard in this musical.   The reprise as sung by Doris is nice and feels more genuine than Gailey's original song.  Still, not the strongest piece but rather good. 


Expect Things to Happen

Another great Christmas number that has a warm and fuzzy feeling that more than makes up for the last song just rubbing me the wrong way.  I could see adding this and The Bugle to my Christmas Broadway playlist next year as they are some of the best Christmas songs I've never heard before.


She Hadda Go Back


Again, this is just another song that hasn't aged well.  It's not as bad as Look Little Girl but it's just irritating and feels a little dudebro-ish.  It doesn't take me out as much as Gailey's previous song but I can't say I care for it.


That Man Over There


I love this number and strangely, it reminds me of a song from The Flintstones Family Christmas where Fred sings about seeing a Santa on every corner of Bedrock.  Though, I think this song is a bit better than that number.  Again,  another I think I would love to add to Christmas rotation.


My State

This is a decent number that is very enjoyable but not as strong as previous entries.  Good but not great and that's all I really have to say about it.


Finale

The finale is a reprise of That Man Over There and I think that's a good way to close out this show.


My Final Thoughts

The original movie is infinitely better but this isn't a bad adaption.  It's at best a mixed bag that has some really good numbers but others that just don't hold up in today's society.  In all, I'm glad that I was able to discover these songs from a musical based on a Christmas classic.  And I would love to see this onstage some time in the future.   Les, I hope that you enjoyed this and well, here's a Superman holiday image.

The Brokenness of Dear Evan Hansen Pt. 5: The Absence of The Fathers

In the last entry in this series, we looked at the hardships of the mothers and how Heidi and Cynthia are the most heartbreaking characters. Today, however, we are looking at the two characters in this musical that I can't stand, the fathers.  Now, this is interesting in that one of these characters is an off-stage character and is never seen but his presence is felt throughout the whole show.  Let's start with the father that is onstage, Larry Murphy.


You'll notice that this entry is titled the Absence of the Fathers and here's the thing, a person does not have to be physically absent from one's life to be absent and that is the impression that I got from both of these fathers.  Let's look at how Larry addresses his son during the opening number, Anybody Have a Map.  

He doesn't listen.  Look at him, he's probably high.  

Hmm, I get the disdain as Connor was never the easiest kid to live with but this gives the impression that Larry would rather shrug his son's problems because he can't connect to him.  Consider a quote I used from Mike Faist in Connor's entry.

I believe Connor is someone that is filled with a lot of emotions but doesn't know how to express them.

I understand that not all parents may not be able to understand how to reach out if someone in need of help is keeping their emotions bottled up but if we don't make the attempt, things could get worse. And I'm sorry but Larry seems to have shrugged it off and placed the blame of Connor's suicide onto his son.   According to the first paragraph on the entry for Larry's character in Through The Window, this is stated.

The cold, stern, stoic-to-a-fault patriarch in Dear Evan Hansen deals with his son's suicide by burying his grief beneath an armor of anger and resentment. 

Okay, that is one-hundred percent fair but as the story continues, things with him really get irksome. Let's take a look at what is perhaps the most important song for the Murphy's as a whole, Requiem and like the last two times, we will be focusing on what Larry's set of lines have to say.

I gave you the world, you threw it awa/yLeaving these broken pieces behind you/Everything wasted, nothing to say/So I can sing no requiem

I understand that Larry is going through a lot and I understand that people deal with loss in varying ways but this almost reads like victim-blaming. That may not be the case but I find it hard not to view it that way.  It's actually a little annoying.   I try to see everything the point-of-view of all the characters in this show but with this character, I find it extremely difficult.  The one thing that sells the pain of Larry in this number is the distraught that is heard in Michael Park's voice as he sings these lyrics.  I truly feel that without someone of Park's caliber,  Larry would come across as uncaring towards his son.

Now, that's not to say that I can't feel for him during the second act when Connor's suicide note is uploaded online.   And I'm sorry but I find these words to buy from Larry.

I did the best I could, I tried to help him the only way I knew how and if that's not good enough... And he was failing.   

Again, this is just.....

I'll be quite honest and say that Larry's song, To Break in a Glove was the only number that I had not listened to before writing one of these articles.  However, I changed that, right before I went to write this entry.  And well, I can see what this song is trying to do.





This is the one song that helps to show the human side to Larry as he's relating to Evan in a way that it appears that he never got to do with his own son.   I look at these lines specifically and see that.

 Or you're miles from some goal/Or you're just trying to do what's best/For a kid who's lost control

Consider the last line there for a moment as that is where Connor was at as he had lost control but it feels as though, Larry didn't take the time to notice that. Well okay, that's Connor's dad.  What about Evan's? Well...


Evan's dad does not have a physical presence in the show but there is a strong sense that he's moved on.  Let's look at an attempt for interaction that Evan makes with dad in the Novel for a moment.

I used to mail him postcards, hoping we'd become pen pals but the one I received a response it was in Theresa's handwriting. He enjoys hiking, so I suggested we walk the Appalachian Trail together. He seemed to like the idea, but when I reminded him about it this summer, he up with an excuse about how he's already flying east for my graduation in the spring, and now with the baby coming, he can't afford to come twice. 

A bit wordy but it does get across the idea that Evan constantly feels let down by his father because while all these may be legitimate excuses, that is all Evan hears from his father.  And looking at how, when Evan tried to reach out with a postcard, he got a response in return from his father's second wife is just heartbreaking.  Though, I think a lot of the heartbreak that Evan's father has put him through can be traced back to when Evan was a little kid.






Going to do this a little differently as I have two sets of lyrics to look at there.  Firstly, there's the opening.

It was a February day/When your dad came by, before going away/A U-Haul truck in the driveway/The day it was suddenly real

Starting here is simple as we hear how this man (I apologize I could not remember his name) stepped out on Heidi and Evan.  We don't really get to know Evan's dad but if we take how Heidi feels about him and what we can observe from that quote from the Novel, we have a picture of a man that has moved on and has no interest in being a part of his son's life.   In many regards,  Evan's father leaving when he was so young did a lot to harm him.  And not just in the "he didn't have a good male role model" sense but it seemed to have caused some abandonment issues within Evan.  Look at what Little Evan asks of his mom in this song.

That night, I tucked you into bed/I will never forget how you sat up and said"Is there another truck coming to our driveway?/A truck that will take mommy away"

Now, I am not putting the blame completely on Evan's father as Evan did a bad thing later in life but the kid was a bit unstable and to see a young boy have this thought is just heartbreaking.  Even more so, when it is shown that Evan's father doesn't want to take the time to get to know the man that his son has become.


This was the hardest entry to write because like I said, I try to be fair and view what the characters are going through but for these two, that was rather hard.  This is our final entry looking at the characters from Dear Evan Hansen and I'm sorry that it had to end on a dour note but I wanted to get this one as next month, I'll be seeing this show at the Kennedy Center.

I might give you a Musical Musings on my thoughts on the show after I see it but that might not be for a while as I think after that, I think I may want to take a break from this show. Peace! 

Back In Time: My Thoughts on Back To The Future: The Musical

Musical adaptions of popular movies are nothing new.  Just this year, we saw two film-based musicals nominated for the Tony for Best New Musical.

Now obviously,  part of turning a beloved film/franchise into a musical serves a rather profitable purpose as they are selling a name of something that an audience is already familiar with, in a way to bring them in to see the show.  A perfect example of this is the Spongebob Squarepants musical.  I'm not the biggest fan of Spongebob but I have seen how that musical has brought in a young audience and introduced them to the world of musical theater.   So, that's a good thing.

Where am I go with all this?  Well, one of my favorite movies is being turned into a musical.  Clearly, you can see what it is as I have brought back my Back In Time series to discuss.   In February of  2020, Back To The Future: The Musical will debut in Manchester.   I believe Pinkie Pie can sum up my feelings here.

Let me explain, I'm excited to see one of my favorite movies adapted to a new medium that I love but I'm also nervous about this movie being turned into something that it was not originally.   I truly have nothing against musical adaptions of films as one of my favorite stage musicals is Newsies.  However, there is a difference there as Newsies already was a musical and had a base skeleton to work with concerning the music.   Sure, BTTF has The Power of Love, Back In Time,  and the dated  Johnny B. Goode sequence that may not play as well as in 2020 as it did in 1985.  While I have not seen it, I have heard complaints that that sequence can be read as Marty, a white kid inventing one of the most popular songs and genres.   Consider the end of that scene for a moment.






While I may have not seen it, I feel it would be disrespectful to not acknowledge that there are people that have taken umbrage with that one moment. Does that make the move as a whole, problematic?  No, but we live than the '80s  and if you need proof that, I suggest looking at the complaints that Tootsie has received of being called transphobic with its musical adaption.  I am perhaps not the best person to speak on either of these issues but they should be addressed and not dismissed as saying people can't take a joke. 


Moving away from these issues, the music is another key component of any good musical and so far,  two songs sung by the show's Marty have been released.  The first is just The Power of Love.   






It's decent and one might say safe at first but I get why this would be the first song released in promoting the BTTF musical.  It's a song that BTTF fans know and love as it's one of the two flagship songs of this franchise.  So, I think starting with this song shows the fandom that this is still Back To The Future and the crew behind this show are taking good care in working with this property and hope to deliver a quality product.  The next song that was released was the first original number so to speak from the show and I have a few thoughts on this.





First off, thank goodness, this show is not a jukebox musical as that would have lessened my interest in the end product a little bit.   And while I'd love to hear it context,  I like the idea of Marty singing this to George as a way to help build up his confidence.  I've seen some people say it sounds generic but I don't see that to be the case. To me, it sounds really good.

Along these lines, this brings up something important to acknowledge,  I am more than open to new actors taking on these iconic roles.  I love Micheal J. Fox & Christopher Lloyd as Marty and the Doc but accepting new actors in these roles has honestly been the easiest process in hearing the news of this musical happening.   I'm more interested in how they're gonna pull off the DeLorean.  It baffles me a little but then again, I've seen Elphaba fly onstage, so suspension of belief is usually needed for musicals.

Like I said, I'm excited and nervous for this production and I know that it'll be a while before I get to see it but I will most certainly be following the news of this show as it's debut crawls near.   At the end of the day,  I really hope and think that this show can live up to the BTTF name and honor it.   Let me know what you think in the comments. Peace! 

The Brokenness of Dear Evan Hansen Pt. 4: The Hardships of The Mothers

In the first three entries in this series, we looked at the brokenness of the three main child characters with how Evan feels lost and invisible,  Conor just needed reaffirmation that he was loved but he had a huge barrier put up around him that made it hard for people to connect and Zoe, the innocent bystander was hurt by two people she loved.   Starting today,  we shift our focus to the parents of this story and I have decided to put them together as they represent two similar sides of a coin.   And seeing as Mother's Day is approaching (as I write this) I have decided to start with The Hardships of The Mothers.  

Both Heidi and Cynthia are mothers that are trying their best to give their kids what they think they need.   Much like Conor's entry, I feel that it helps to first look at a song that was ultimately cut from the musical and that is quite a crime. 

I chose this video specifically as it highlights that this song was cut because they felt it was giving too much characterization to Cythina and I think that is part of a problem we should be allowed to see her grieve.  She is a mother that has just lost her son and you really get a great sense of that here and the musical does go out of its way to show that Cynthia is going out of her way to make Evan feel like a part of her family as she wants to fill the gap left by Conor's suicide and in her mind,  his "best friend" is the closest thing she has to her son.  Which makes what she goes through all the more heartbreaking.  Which can be heard in Cynthia's section of the song,  Requiem.

Take a look at what Cynthia says here during this number.  

I hear your voice, I feel you near
Within these words, I finally find you
And now that I know that you are still here
I will sing no requiem tonight

Cynthia has truly bought into what Evan is selling her because she wants to have good memories of her son.  Which ties back into the idea that somewhere deep down, the Murphy's needed Evan's lie.  I'm still iffy on that idea myself but I do see what this was attempting as Cynthia is probably the one of the family that is hit the hardest by Conor's actions.  She would do anything to have her son back and that is seen through those words.  

Now,  I feel that we need to rewind a bit and go back to the very first song from this musical as that shows Heidi and Cynthia in mom roles as they are really trying.  

In many regards, I feel if people listened to this song not knowing it was attached to Dear Evan Hansen, they would think that it came from a lighthearted musical.  On a surface level, this song is a cute number about two moms that want to do the best for their children but they don't know how to do this.   This ties into something I mentioned about these two moms showing similar sides of a coin.  Consider that Cynthia is part of a typical nuclear family, there's a mother, a father, a son and a daughter.  To the outside world,  that may seem perfect and idyllic but as the musical shows us anyone can have problems.  Heidi is a single mom working as a nurse and going to school at night to better herself.   Her family may seem messy to the outside world but as she states, she is trying to make it work.   Which brings us to her character and her hardship, just as Cynthia lost her son,  Heidi feels that she doesn't know her son and is losing him to another family.  This is best exemplified when the Murphys offer to pay for Evan to go to college and that makes Heidi feel worthless.   This moment makes Heidi feel small and worthless.

Just take a look at what she says.

I'm just, we do have money. So, I'm sorry that you were the impression that we didn't And whatever money we don't have, Evan will either get a scholarship or go to a community college and that's... I think the best thing for us to do.

Those words hit hard as they speak to Heidi realizing that her son isn't the person she thought he was and he had been living a life she had no idea about with a family that in her eyes is better off than the two of them.  

Right after this scene, Heidi and Evan have a huge blow-up and I don't want to quote it as that would make this blog extremely long but I want to look at something that is said towards the end. 

Evan: I know I'm such a burden. I'm the worst thing that ever happened to you. I ruined your life. 

Heidi: You are the only... the one good thing that has ever happened to me, Evan.    I'm sorry I can't give you anything more than that. Shit.  

Now,  I could include what Evan says right before the number Good for You starts but something interesting to point out is that Heidi realizes that she has lost her son to the Murphys as she points out that they act like they have adopted him and Evan tries to rebut by saying they're nice.  You really get a sense of heartbreak throughout this whole sequence that leads to anger from Heidi's part and it is a little justifiable.  

Now, while this song does include other people partaking in what TV Tropes would call a Reasons You Suck speech/song for the sake of this article,  I'm only interested in Heidi's part as I have seen some interpret this as Evan's psyche calling him out but I prefer the idea that these real people are actually calling him out as he needs to own up for what he did and with Heidi's part,  we get  a sense of heartbreak that cannot be understated.   Look at these words.

Well I'm sorry you had it rough
And I'm sorry I'm not enough
Thank God they rescued you

These words echo the sentiments of Heidi's anger from the fight that preceded this song and wow, it packs a punch as these words indicate how much a failure Evan has made his mother feel like because of his actions.   But he is still her son and she will always love him because...

Your mom isn't going anywhere
Your mom is staying right here

Those lines come from a song in the show that I would equate to Baby Mine and phew, waterworks are coming. 





So Big/So Small brings us full circle back to how we heard mothers admitting that they're trying their best as we hear Heidi open herself up and admit that while she knows that she'll fail as that is a part of life as she will always be there for her son and she understands how easy it is to feel lost or invisible in this big world or as she puts it small. 

When it all feels so big
'Til it all feels so small

This speaks to Heidi being a good mom that will do whatever it takes to make sure her son is afforded every opportunity to know that he has value and worth in not just her eyes but on this earth.    It's a beautiful message that more people could use.




Both of these mothers face hardships of losing their son in one way or another, sadly Cynthia cannot get her son back but Heidi is able to come to understand her son and everything he had been going through as that song comes after she finds Evan's letter and realizes it was a suicide note.   That is what she meant by making everything feel so small, once she saw that her mom instincts kicked in and realized that her son needed her support.   Which again is something that sad to say Cynthia and the rest of her family failed to give Conor.   That does not make her a bad mother as she wanted to help her son and she loved him but after he took his life,  she wanted to live with this false memory as it made the pain go away.   While that may seem nice, that is not something one should do.  Both these mothers face extreme hardships that make your heart break for them and you want to help them but it's hard.   I guess the biggest lessons to take away from this article is to let your mother know you love her and don't ignore her love either.  Peace!  

The Brokenness of Dear Evan Hansen Pt. 3: The Innocence of Zoe

In some musicals, not all but some there is usually a character that I describe as the innocent and typically, these characters are the love interests of the main character. Examples include Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors and Penny from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

 



I apologize up front as this could seem sexist considering that all three of these characters are women and they are in situations that make you feel bad for them such as Audrey being with an abusive boyfriend and Penny being with a man that only cares about his ego.   One has to ask, is that the case with Zoe?

Well... no, but she does fall for Evan under false pretenses.

Evan... convinces her that Conor--in spite of all appearances--cared deeply for her, and she buys into his version of history, she finds herself falling for her brother's "best friend"

The quotation marks around the words best friend indicate the lie that is being told in the book, Through the Window.  And that is perhaps the one issue I have with this show.   Let's return to this quote.

"... a lie that was never meant to be told"  

This is something that we have discussed throughout this series that Evan didn't mean to tell the lie that was the catalyst for the story but he does take advantage of the lie in order to get closer to Zoe as he has had a crush on Zoe for quite some time and that is seen in perhaps my least favorite song from the show, If I Could Tell Her. 





If you listen closely to this song, you'll see how Evan is taking advantage of Zoe's dead brother in order to get closer by feeding her lies about how Conor cared for her by twisting the words to be things that Evan has always admired about Zoe.  I get what the show is doing and yeah, I get why Evan would do this but it just leaves me with a squicky feeling.   However, that brings up another quote from Through the Window that we should look at.

[Zoe] doesn't allow herself to be a victim... and she easily could be

This is such a strong point as from what he hear, her relationship with Conor wasn't the greatest.  This is best exemplified in the song, Requiem.  







Thankfully, the Dear Evan Hansen YouTube page has a solo version of this song that focuses on just Zoe's part and here you can hear the hurt and pain that she felt from Connor and in a way, she doesn't seem to mind that her brother is gone.  That can best be seen here.

'Cause when the villains fall, the kingdoms never weep

The way that Zoe describes her brother as a villain speaks volumes to how rocky the relationship they had was as if we are, to be honest, Connor wasn't the greatest guy and there are hints that he was verbally abusive towards Zoe but as the show ends, we learn that it may have been Zoe hiding the pain of losing her brother as a year after the events of the show, Zoe and Evan  meet back up and she lets down her defenses and says this to Evan.

Evan: They never told anyone about Connor's, about the note. About... who really wrote it. They didn't have to do that. They could have told everyone. What I did.


Zoe: Everybody needed it for something

This is interesting to consider but this is something that has been brought up numerous times that the Murphy's needed the lie as it brought them closer together and we see how it actually hurt Zoe but if we go back to the events of the story and when Evan reveals the truth, we have this breakdown from Zoe and her parents right before the lie is revealed.

Zoe (to her father):... you wanted to punish him.

Cynthia: Listen to your daughter, Larry

Zoe: You treated him like a criminal

Cynthia (to Larry): Are you listening?

Zoe (to her mother) You think you were any better? You let him do whatever he wanted

Larry: Thank you

Cythina (to Larry): When he threatened to kill himself the first, do you remember what you said?

Cythina: "He just wants attention"

Now,  I cut it down a bit to focus on the important parts but this boiling point speaks to the relationship that the Murphy's had within their household and how Zoe was an observer to how Connor was trampled by their father and coddled by their mother.   And it almost seems as though, she might have felt a little invisible.    Which becomes very clear with this line.

I'm the dead kid's sister

This line is important because throughout the musical that is how Zoe thinks the rest of the school and everyone involved is viewing herself.  Let's take a listen to one of my favorite songs from the show, Evan and Zoe's romantic number, Only Us.







And let's look at some of Zoe's lines here.

I don't need more reminders of all that's been broken
I don't need you to fix what I'd rather forget

Here, we can see that Zoe wants to be more than the dead kid's sister and doesn't want to build the relationship that is starting with Evan off of the memory of Connor and this takes us back to how Zoe is the innocent within the story of this musical because everyone is so focused on what happened to Connor, that they never stop to ask how is Zoe doing through all of this?   And through the two male relationships that we can observe in the story with both Evan and her brother, we see that it's a rocky relationship for her from both Evan and Connor.  So, let's go back to how this makes Zoe an innocent.   It's because she remains strong and these things happen to her but that doesn't make her naive as she is also the observer of this story and is willing to call people such as her parents out on their bullshit.   Perhaps, not the strongest entry but I think this makes sense.   I hope that you enjoyed this entry. Peace!

The Brokenness of Dear Evan Hansen Pt 2: Connor and Why We Need to Reach Out

We have already established that a large theme of Dear Evan Hansen is brokenness and that comes in many forms.  Today, we are looking at the most tragic character from musical, Connor Murphy.  (I'll admit that it's a little eerie that the character who took his life shares my last name).  But before we can delve too deep into Connor and what his character shows,  I want to look at something that aligns with Evan because and if you saw the previous entry, you'd know that there are spoilers for this blog.  But look at the cover of the book.

What do you see?   A tree?  Well, you aren't wrong as a tree does grace the cover of the book but the tree is more than just a tree here.  It has an in-story meaning as the summer before the musical takes place, Evan was working at a park and one day his anxiety got the best of him and he climbed up a tree to jump out of it and end his life.   He survived and was left with the cast as a souvenir.

But let's take this a bit further and apply the symbolism of the tree to what these two characters felt.  There are two ways that I view this.  The first being that the tree is the only tree that we see and that could symbolize the loneliness that both Evan and Connor felt as they both felt alone and as though, people didn't care about them.   The other way I view this is that trees can be strong and have the roots to hold them up and support them and that can be applied to how people like Connor and Evan if they had had support, things could have gone differently for them.  Or maybe, it's just a tree, who knows?


But that does bring us to what I'm hoping to discuss today in that much like Evan, Connor felt alone and as though people didn't care about him and that is ultimately why he took his life.  Now,  the audience doesn't get a lot of time with the real Connor as he takes his life so early but thankfully, his Wiki page provides a better description of his personality.

Connor Murphy dressed in a black hoodie and black pants. He wore black boots and carried a worn brown messenger bag. He had long, unkempt hair and his nails were painted black. While the audience never gets to truly know Connor because he commits suicide very early on, he appears sarcastic, sullen and angers easily. It is implied that he is severely depressed, bipolar and has a lot of anger and family issues

I am so glad that the description mentions his clothing as black is a color that is often associated with death.

Now again, that is me looking into things but I believe that this helps the audience to understand Connor and how he had withdrawn from society.   Now,  we can compare what Connor wears to Evan's famous blue shirt and how it's bright and vibrant.

Where am I going with this?  Well, blue is a more welcoming color and if people didn't know Evan, they might see what he is wearing and assume that he is approachable.  The color choices that Connor wears do not exactly give the sense that he is interested in interaction with other people.   Please understand that I am not trying to blame the victim here but rather I am attempting to highlight that people can hurt in different ways.   And that's what we see with the character of Connor.   The audience never gets to know Connor nor did the people in the musical know the real Connor.  Which I think is important to understand as Connor takes his life offstage.  And this is a move that I appreciate as the audience doesn't need to know how Connor ended his life.   Because these things can just happen.  Now,  there is a cut song from the musical that suggests that Connor died of a drug overdose but I think the show works better without that.






Now,  this song  is sung by Cynthia,   Connor and Zoe's mother and we'll we have two blogs before we get to hardship of the mothers in this blog but her singing here helps to illustrate a point,   people are more interested in remembering a version of Connor rather than the real Connor  and that partly comes from Evan giving the Murphy's the lie as when they find his body,  it is after a confrontation where Connor had taken  the therapy letter that Evan had written for himself and Evan in that moment didn't know what to do and just went with the lie of being friends with Connor as he didn't want to break their heart.


Now,  Mike Faist, Connor's original actor was quoted as saying

I beleive Connor is someone is filled with a lot of emotions but doesn't know how to express  them.

Which does make sense and we can see that as he has closed himself off.   Now, something the novelization does add another layer to Connor by making him a part of the LGTBQ community.  Now,  I know that wasn't the case in the show but so many fans of the show read Connor as gay and I can see that because as many people have brought up before,  while strides are being made to give more support to the LGTBQ community, there is still a long way to go.   We discover this through Connor himself as he becomes a second narrator and kind of a Greek Chorus figure commenting on the events that are happening after he dies.   It's an interesting choice but not one that I think benefitted the story.   


The one thing that it did give the character of Connor is that it showed how disgusted he was at how people suddenly cared about him now that he was gone, yet they didn't take the time to care about him while he was alive.  That does work to some degree because keep in mind as I have stated, the Connor that we see on the stage after his death is a fabrication.   Which brings us perhaps one of the most interesting aspects and to quote RENT.

You live a lie

One could argue that is directed towards Evan as he feeds the lie but no, it is also directed towards Connor's parents.    I will not throw Zoe in there as she is the innocent in all this.   Evan's lie about Connor  is seen through the song, For Forever






With Evan's case, it's tricky as when you read Through the Window, the behind-the-scenes book about the musical,  they make the case that the Murphy's needed the lie in order to be brought closer together. 

I get it and there's no easy answer in a situation like this but one could look at that statement and assume that it is letting Evan off the hook.  And that would not be unjust or unfair but Evan has a constant reminder as Connor's name is the only name that was his cast.

Now yes,  Evan does attempt to amend for his misdeeds by starting The Connor Project as a way to help people in need but still...   Connor's parents are worse here as they had already lied to themselves before Connor took his life in that there was no hope of saving him, his father especially looked at Connor as a lost cause.  Neither parent was willing to reach out and figure out what was happening with Connor.   Yes, in this day and age, there are so many more sources that people with suicidal tendencies have to help them.   If you type the word suicide into the YouTube search bar,  the first result you get is the phone number for the Suicide Prevention hotline. 

But here's' the thing,  when someone has reached the point of no return,  it might be too late for them to attempt and reach out and use these sources.  I know this because when I through my first experience of ending it all, I felt as though it was all over and there was a sense of shame and embarrassment that I felt would have resulted from calling that number.  But now,  I know that is not the case and while I was able to reach out and explain to people what I was feeling, not everyone can do that such as the case with Connor.   Let's look at the song, Disappear for a moment here and in particular the opening bit of dialogue.

Guys like you and me we're just the losers
Who keep waiting to be seen, right?
I mean no one seems to care or stops to notice that we're there
So we get lost in the in-between

The Dear Evan Hansen Wiki states in this song that Evan is envisioning Connor's ghost but that's not how I read this song,   I kinda picture it as Evan projecting his guilt onto the fabrication of Connor that he has created and that is what leads him to want to do the right thing.   Even still,  this song is important as it highlights how society needs to reach out to people and let them know that are loved and cared about and that no-one should as the song states Disappear. 



One has to think that if Connor had heard words such as what the song is conveying, there's a chance that we would have understood that people cared about him instead of being rightly pissed because he felt alone.  Now,   this is not to say that Connor was free of problems as he was a bit verbally abusive towards his younger sister but we have to understand that Connor didn't live an easy life.  Again, not blaming the victim but trying to understand the situation.  We'll delve more into Zoe in the next installment but she is perhaps the one character that my heart broke for the most. 





Returning to my original statement of what this blog is about,   no matter what if you see someone that looks like they need help, don't be afraid to go up to them and offer a hand.   They may not want to talk about what's bugging them but they will need someone to listen.   An ear and a hand are two of the most important things they'll need.   The only way to end this in my opinion is with this piece from the song, Disappear. 

The Brokenness Of Dear Evan Hansen Pt 1: Evan & I

A recurring theme that pops up in the musical Dear Evan Hansen is the idea of brokenness.   Now, from the onset, this may not make sense when looking at the title of this series as some could attribute it to me mocking the musical but rather,  I am trying to focus on what is so important about this musical and how it openly talks about mental health.   Let me use a quote from Sondheim to help illustrate my point.

Musicals are, by nature, theatrical, meaning poetic, meaning having to move the audience's imagination and create a suspension of disbelief, by which I mean there's no fourth wall

While  this quote does not work one-hundred percent for what I want to convey,  it does back up how when audiences go to the theater, they are brought into the world that they are seeing and sometimes that world may tackle issues that they don't know about or may have wished to avoid but we are now seeing musicals that are willing to discuss topics that we as a society may have been afraid to talk about before. Now,  I'm not saying that Dear Evan Hansen is the first musical to tackle an important issue as that'd just be foolish and it's not even the first musical to tackle mental health as musicals such as Next to Normal came before it. (BTW, look up I Miss the Mountains from that show as it's just gut-wrenching)

What I am saying is that Dear Evan Hansen is the first musical I have ever related to in a way that feels real and raw and it sometimes scares me how much I related to the songs from this show   So, where do we start?  Perhaps by looking at Evan's personality.   The Evan Hansen Wiki doesn't give us much but this first line does help.

Evan is a 17-year-old outcast in his senior year in high school, with severe social anxiety and a broken arm

Okay,  so he views himself as an outcast and his social anxiety played a large factor in that and that is seen in one of his most iconic songs. 





As this song shows that Evan would rather hide in the background and does not think he is worthy of being noticed.  Yes, the song is saying that Evan wants someone to wave back at him but it's difficult, Evan has convinced himself that he doesn't belong and that no-one cares about him.  That's where I come in because as you may recall in a previous blog I did about musicals and my life,  I mentioned that I felt like Evan in high school and that partially comes from my autism.   As explained here...

(People that are high-functioning autistic) ... have significant challenges which stand in the way of living a comfortable life, succeeding in work or romance, or achieving a sense of self-worth. 

The self-worth part is the big thing  I wanted to hone in on because that is where my relationship Evan starts. As we both struggle with understanding that we have value in this world.  Now I did say that in the present tense and not the past-tense because there are still going to be days where I question my value and that is seen with Evan.  Perhaps, even more in the novel based on the musical as that is presented from his point-of-view and the reader gets to hear every nagging thought that haunts Evan throughout the entire story and I have to say, that made my heart break for him even more.  Now,  something  I can't comment on completely but I have seen in some performances is that Evan during the middle of this scene is approached by Zoe,  the younger sister of Connor, the young man that will take his life and a girl that Zoe has a crush on.  And Evan gets flustered around her.

Now on the surface, one could just chalk this up to Evan not knowing what to say to the girl that he likes and may know a bit too much about (Yeah, we'll talk about that, when we get to Zoe's entry in this series)  but I think the flusteredness that Evan displays is more than him being caught off-guard by the girl he likes being nice to him. We can look at this question from the National Institute of Mental Health and check a yes to it.

Are you very self-conscious in everyday social situations?

So yes, we do see that Evan is uncomfortable in situations where he has to interact with people in the real world and hi, again.  As that as was also me when I was this character's age.   Also,  I'm glad I found an image with that line from Zoe because it's true of Evan.  He feels the need to apologize for little things before the big lie takes place and that I believe takes us back to the theme of this blog and how Evan views himself as broken.   Years and years ago before I ever discovered my voiced and my seizures were so bad,  I was a lot like Evan but worse as I would constantly call myself stupid and punch myself in the face as I called myself stupid because just as how Evan  convinced himself that he didn't matter, I had convinced myself that I was stupid and that led me to believe I didn't matter.    Which brings us to perhaps the hardest set of lyrics for me to swallow from this show.

Would they like what they saw?
Or would they hate it too?

These lines come from the song Words Fail and that song takes place after Evan reveals what he had done to Zoe and her family about lying of being a friend to Connor and forging emails between them. 






Yeah, not exactly Evan's proudest moment but he did the right thing by coming clean but those two lines struck the deepest chord with me because I always had that sense if I put myself out there and made myself vulnerable, people would think of me as a loser and someone that isn't worth their time.  This takes us back to the opening from Waving through a Window.

I've learned to slam on the brakeBefore I even turn the keyBefore I make the mistakeBefore I lead with the worst of me

As someone that questioned his self-worth before discovering his voice,  I found it easier to retreat and not interact with people because if  I didn't put myself out there,  there was less of a chance of being judged.  Even though, my brain convinced me that people were judging me.  Yeah, it doesn't make sense but things like that, just don't make sense sometimes.  Again,  this takes us back to the idea of brokenness that  I am hoping to explore throughout this series.   At this point,   I don't have much else to say other than that, this is going to be an emotional journey and it felt like the best place to start was to look at my relationship with Evan.   Peace!

The Profound Effect of Musicals on my Life

Well, I didn't expect to post this around the same time I was rewarded Expressionist of The Year but I think that makes this more honest.   This was originally going to be a review of RENT on Fox  but it grew to be more than that.  Because of this number....







I've mentioned before that RENT is one of my favorite musicals and that is my favorite song from the musical because there was a time, (two actually) in my life when I found asking that question.  I know that most of you know me for my love of Disney and ponies but I don't know think that suicide survivor is the right term because that refers to the loved ones that lost someone.  Yeah, there were two times in my life when things got so bad that I wanted to end it all.  The first time was during high school and because of my seizures and I was having upwards of 30+ seizures a day and my school told me that they wouldn't let attend if I was not in a wheelchair and that is where this song comes in.  I'm gonna quote the lyrics here.

Will I lose my dignity?
Will someone care?
Will I wake from this nightmare?

Now, the second question I did know the answer to but I did feel as though my dignity had been stripped away from me and I felt less.  Not just as a person or a man but overall, I just felt less and I felt as though the nightmare would never end.  I know it's petty and maybe even a little selfish to have those thoughts because there are people that deal with things worse than what I went through on a daily basis but yeah, I almost let the nightmare win.  But I just found strength in musicals and characters that made me stronger such as Elphaba,  

Yeah, that's something that might help you to understand a bit about me.  One of the biggest things I've often struggled with my self-confidence and the feeling that I'm not good enough.  I often wish I could be as strong as someone like Elphie and own who she is but I often find myself  relating to characters in musicals that think they aren't good enough such as Seymour in Little Shop of Horrors,  Aladdin (mainly because of Proud of Your Boy) or Evan Hansen.   I want to hone in on that last one for a moment, Dear Evan Hansen is a musical that came out long after both my attempts at ending it all but it is a musical that I wish that had been around when I was in high school because I was Evan Hansen.  Evan is a young man that struggles with social anxiety and the fear that no-one truly loves him and that he's not enough.   I remember watching the performance of Waving Through a Window, the year that Evan Hansen took home the Tony for Best New Musical and just crying because it took me back to those moments especially my high school days.





I was watching this with intensity and crying because as that number went on, I related almost too much to Evan and even more when I learned what the musical was about.  If you noticed the cast on Evan's arm, that is because like me, Evan also attempted to end it all and in his case it was because it felt invisible.  Learning the truth was hard but also why I became such a fan of Dear Evan Hansen because of it's message that no-one is alone (Yeah, okay Into The Woods also has that message but it's really at the core of what Evan Hansen is about)  I had this personal saying that combines two of my favorite musical characters. 

I wish I could be Elphaba but I know I'm Evan Hansen 

Let me explain this saying, Elphaba is to me one of the strongest characters in any musical that even with everything that she goes through, she becomes resilient and owns who she is.  Evan Hansen is a character that is scared, nervous and does not think he is that strong.   That is how I viewed myself for the longest time but because of loved ones and friends like you guys have become stronger and will always be strong.   Let's go back to that song from RENT and answer those questions.


I did not lose my dignity
Someone did care
I did wake from that nightmare


Now, I did mention that were two times but I'm gonna save the other time for another post as it'll be brought up if I ever decide to look at cyber-bullying again.  I'm gonna end this with the powerful song from Dear Evan Hansen and if you need to  reach out and grab my hand, just listen to this song.